Trying Not To Be A Poser At Life

There are some people who put a lot of effort into things like sports, art, music and other things that outwardly show an individual effort to make the team or experience better. Then there are posers. People who wear the gear and practice the vernacular that do not really have any natural talent nor do they put in any effort to become proficient. I believe that there can be posers at life. People that go through life aspiring to have things that they think they want through idea imposed on them by what people -they find -interesting or popular tell them what they should believe is right or positive.

  I had given in to the idea that how I was raising my girls was wrong, stopped trusting my gut and became a life poser. When I realized I was living my life to make people that really did not matter to me happy. I had to so something about it. So,  I have torn down every idea of what I thought I was supposed to be as a mother, lover, friend, partner, woman and I have reclaimed my life. The decisions I have made have come with their fair share growing pains that I feel have made myself and my family all stronger in our own ways.

I decided to start by relinquished responsibility for things I felt were no longer necessary for me to have a part in PERIOD. I am talking about the shit that people I love try to dump on me because it’s   #obligationthroughfamiliarity. 

The second thing I did was move to a place that I thought would be better for my mental health. I did not even plan the move out things just fell into place once I had made the decision. The whole process took a month or two. I knew that the ease of how things happened was not for nothing. I am meant to be where I am I just still could not get things to fell right. I realized I had lost myself. It was not until I completely derailed from “THE PLAN” and quit my federal job, that  I was able to see I had gotten so wrapped up in trying to things the “right way” that i didn’t think about the consequences it would have on my family.

Then I experienced some time after I quit my job, when I looked inward, stumbling across all the little memories of the past couple years. Reliving, in microseconds, every cringy memory and skimming the happy ones. I was self punishing and finding reasons to doubt decisions and focusing on how to make them seem like bad decisions. As if I could have known how things would turn out. How dumb is that? I tell people who bring up old shit in arguments that I can’t stand that. For the simple fact that I can not retroactively fix what I didn’t know I was doing wrong. Yet, here I was bringing up old shit, to myself, in my own head.

I had to find something to keep me moving forward. So the idea to do 30 day challenges was to pick things that I thought seemed easy but were actually hard for me to do. Anything that requires more than five min of my attention is already asking a lot when I am scatterbrained. I am only in the first week of these challenges and the drawing challenge that has had me irritated the most. I have found myself getting mad at the way the drawings turn out and a couple times, I wanted to ask one of the twins to do the drawing for me. This was a huge eye opener for me. Why was I so afraid of failing even when there wasn’t anything to fail at? Yep, I still don’t know. Point is, I am accepting, moving forward and living through these EMOTIONAL moments instead of posing.

I am not the type of mother to just put the name on and not put in the work. So being a poser at motherhood is NOT an option. I share so many emotional moments with my teenage daughters. I always try to set a positive, yet, real example for my girls. Sometimes that means crying through some real life shit with them.

In busy life, I tend to put word bandaids instead of just listening and being there emotionally for my girls. I have made it a point this year to just take each moment with them as a new opportunity to see into my emotional past or discover something completely new about myself and them! I really like the outcome of what work I am putting into my life right now. So, I will keep going, embrace any new wisdom that Goddess would bless me with and try not end up a poser at life.

 

Day2 30 days drawing challenge

Drawing a pineapple is the most frustrating shit ever…. I couldn’t get my lines to match and make the damn thing look like a pineapple. So I scaled down the size of the drawing and decided to make a grid in my notebook for this challenge. After scaling it down, I found the pineapple less frustrating.

I now know that drawing brings on anxiety becuase, for me, my drawings have to be perfect. Perhaps this comes from being made fun of when I was younger…who knows lol I just know that NOW, in this moment in my life, I chose to embrace imperfection.

My First Blog

 

Straight from my notebook!

 

I always feel like things are in place when there is a plan. A beginning, middle, and end. I like to have something to focus on, a big goal.

I have no plan for where I am. I did not expect to quit my job and find no desire to stay in the field of work I was in.  A lot of my work had to do with sharing my story. So, how do I set the example when I feel like changing my line of work is betraying my own idea of healing from my trauma, by not helping others through my own personal experiences!!!!!!!!!. BRING ON THE (MID LIFE?) EXISTENTIAL CRISIS!!! No direction, what do I want to do? what do I not want to do?

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